Heavenly Holistic Healing

Body, Mind & Soul

Lorna Cracknell IPHM

The crazy blue haired empath

My crazy journey

My ramblings​

23rd October 2020

I really don’t know anything about writing a blog. But I thought that my story and my current journey may just help someone.

I am 51 years old and quite honestly have always found life difficult. I have always felt very deeply, I have always been sensitive. I have always struggled with my weight. I have an unhealthy relationship with food. I have ME (Chronic fatigue). I have depression. I have lived with anxiety. I have been a single parent. I have struggled to get through days. I have wished I could go to sleep and never wake up. The list seems endless, but maybe my blog can help someone who is struggling.

Life for a lot of people at the moment is very difficult, it can all feel overwhelming, some use food as a crutch, some people are drinking more alcohol, some people have lost their jobs, some are afraid they will lose their job. Some people have not seen their loved ones for such a long time. Life seems like we are taking two steps forward and one step back. How are we supposed to deal with it all? Hopefully my honesty  will help you to realise that if you are struggling you are not on your own.

My ramblings

24th October 2020

Depression is hard to live with, but I do live with it, every day. For me it's the negative self talk, I can be so kind, so patient, and so caring with other people, but I just can't be kind to myself. I can tell myself that I don't deserve to be happy, I can tell myself that I am worthless, I can tell myself I have been the worst parent, the worst wife, the worst friend, I can tell myself that I am stupid. I can hate myself everyday. I can look at my body and want to cut bits off. I can look at myself and not find anything positive to say. It doesn't matter how much I achieve I still talk to myself in this horrible negative way.

Have you ever asked yourself to write 10 things you like about yourself? I have, and the one thing that is always top of my list is "I have nice hair" and then I find it hard to think of anything else.

I wonder how we would feel if we could see ourselves through the eyes of the people who love us?

Would our list of positives be longer?

My body has carried two beautiful daughters who are my absolute world, they are the reason I never gave up, the reason I forced myself to get up to face another day. They are the reason I painted on a smile and went through the motions on a daily basis. And when I look at the incredible women they have grown to become I am so surprised, because in my head I was a hopeless mum, I was weak because I had anxiety and depression. I was rubbish because I dreaded them being invited to party because it meant I had to drive them there and my anxiety would increase at the thought of it. I dreaded school plays, parents evenings, I dreaded them going off with their dad in his car in case he didn't look after them like I did. But looking back I should be proud that I still did all those things, I never stopped them doing anything no matter how bad I was feeling, no matter how much I wanted to lock the door and never let them out of my sight. We went to parties, they had their own parties, they had friends round for dinner and sleepovers, we even went on holiday. And when they both talk about maybe having children of their own and they say "Mum I want to bring up my children like you brought us up, our friends were always welcome, you were always there when we needed you. We could and still do talk to you about anything."

Having depression and anxiety is not a weakness, doing all the things that make you anxious, getting up every day when you want to pull the duvet over your head and stay there, facing teachers and other parents when you feel like you are worthless and that they are all talking about you. Planning parties for 30 children and smiling all the way through them. All of these things make me STRONG not WEAK.

If you have been through a lot of difficult times in your life and you have never given up, you are amazing!

If you can still be kind, caring, and supportive when you feel like the world will be better off without you, then you are not WEAK you are incredible.

We look at people and think they are so happy, that they have a perfect life, but it isn't always the case. Most people struggle with something at some time in their life and I know that I can use my story to help others, I can inspire other people.

 

My ramblings 

25th October 2020

In November 2019 I joined the gym and started a slimming club. I hated feeling so tired, so fat, so unhealthy, quite honestly, I felt disgusting. I hated what I saw in the mirror to the point I started trying to avoid them. Why if I hated how I looked so much couldn’t I do anything about it?

I have been up and down with my weight for what seems like my whole life. I don’t think I have ever looked in the mirror and thought “ok you look good”. I have looked at other women and thought if only I could look like her I would be so happy.

So, this time I was going to crack it. I was at the gym 4 mornings a week at 5am, following my diet to the letter and the weight started coming off. By March I had lost 3 ½ stone. I felt better in myself and I needed smaller clothes but I still hated myself. Lockdown stepped in and the gym shut and I went off the rails. But over the last few days I have finally realised unless I can get to the bottom of my issues with food I was going to continue on this never ending cycle for the rest of my life. Every time I gave in and had some chocolate, cake, crisps, chips I punished myself. I bullied myself. Which meant I ate even more rubbish. I was obsessed with eating sweet treats, hiding wrappers. Waking up in the morning thinking about what rubbish I could eat that day.

So follow my story, it starts here.

My ramblings 

26th October 2020

Today I did the first day on the Coach to 5k app. I was dreading it when I got to the gym this morning.  The app is supposed to help beginners work towards running a 5K.

Being a 51 year old woman there is a lot you have to think about before you start anything like this. Firstly, would I be able to run without wetting myself?

Secondly, would I die of a heart attack?

Thirdly, would I cause an earthquake?

I had googled the question "Is 51 too old to start running?"

One website that came up talked about wearing a tag that listed your medical information, it hadn't even crossed my mind that I would collapse lol. Another website mentioned bladder control, I guess I am lucky that this isn't a major issue for me yet. I have no idea where the earthquake worry came from but it does help you to understand the image I have pf myself.

I DID IT!

I completed the whole of the first session, I was so happy, I didn't end up flying off the end of the treadmill panting for breath, I didn't collapse in a heap on the floor while watching the world shake all around me either. 

It  was actually ok, its so easy to talk yourself out of the things we are afraid to try, maybe we have tried them before and got nowhere, maybe we started something and gave up because others around us didn't think we could achieve it. Or the best one for me maybe you gave up because you were afraid of achieving

your goal.

Its never too late to try again, I am proof of this, sometimes when you have taken the first step it ends up being easier than you thought it would be. Ok so I haven't signed up to run a marathon, but I have started, I have taken the first step. Will it be easy? probably not, but I will I feel brilliant after completing each days session, YES I WILL.

PS, there is always bladder leak underwear.


My ramblings

27th October 2020

Up and out at the crack of dawn this morning to complete day 2 on the Couch to 5k. Slightly tougher than yesterday, but I completed it and have a rest day tomorrow. 

Yesterday was a tough one for me, sometimes the permanent headache I have with my ME gets me down and yesterday was one of those days. 

I put so much pressure on myself too which doesn't help, I forget I am a 51 year old woman trying the navigate the joys of the menopause. Its such great fun waking up in a pool of sweat, shivering at least 10 times some nights. Everything is dropping and sagging, you notice more wrinkles and grey hairs by the hour and you can't seem to get out of a chair without some sort of groan. My foundation sinks into the wrinkles and makes them look 100 times worse and I swear the hairs up your nose grow quicker than any other hair. Oh and you need an electric drill to trim your toenails. But never mind its a small price to pay in the great scheme of things.

I think everyone is finding it difficult at the moment, struggling to find something to look forward to. Sometimes I have to remind myself to stop and think about all the positive things in my life, remind myself how lucky I am and to stop thinking about all the things we can't do at the moment and appreciate all the things we can do.  

I am so much more fortunate than many people in the world right now. And for that I will be grateful.

 

My ramblings 

28th October 2020

Being an empath in a struggling world can be very difficult sometimes, the world is in a state of uncertainty and frustration at the moment and I am feeling so much sadness around me. I am grounding every day and have stepped up my meditation too. I find it helps to write down 5 things every day that I am truly grateful for. It can be the smallest things that may not seem important to other people but if we look hard enough I feel there is always something to be grateful for. Its easy to get wrapped up in the negative things and we all do it at times. But today I am so grateful for my beautiful daughters, my lovely husband, our very silly dog Skye who loves us not matter what. My lovely family and friends, I have a lovely home and I am helping people doing something I love. I am very grateful for all the bad times I have been through that led me to this moment and made me stronger than I ever thought I would be. Do I have bad days? Yup, I do but I know they will not last, as I will fight like I always do to get through it and smile again.


Never give up, life is short.

My ramblings

29th October 2020

I have decided they need to make a few changes to the Couch to 5k app. I need an option to choose Chris Hemsworth as my personal trainer, I would definitely enjoy the app more if I had a picture of him in front of me telling me when to run etc. He would have to be topless of course. But anyway I completed day three of week one. On to week two tomorrow, I am expecting for it all to start getting more difficult in Week two.

Have seen some lovely clients this week, and I always enjoy seeing new clients, I am so lucky to have found something that I love doing.  

Just a quick update today as have a client due soon and I need to prepare my room so it feels warm and welcoming. 


My ramblings 

30th October 2020

I have had a lot of friends who have had babies in the last 10 months, it's so lovely seeing all the pictures of all these beautiful babies. But I can't help but think about my own experience. I thought I would try and explain to you all why I am so passionate about helping people with mental health issues.

I always wanted my own children, ever since I was a little girl I dreamed of finding my soul mate and having my own children. I got married the first time at 24 and moved away as my ex husband was in the army. After a few years I was lucky to fall pregnant and I couldn't have been more excited.

I had to be induced and without going into detail, after 3 days of labour I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. Within an hour of her being born she was whisked off to the special care baby unit and put into an incubator. She had a collapsed lung and fluid in the other and was struggling to breath. I found myself back on the ward surrounded by other mothers and their new babies. I guess they were afraid to ask me where my baby was, and I spent a lot of time sitting on my own. The nurses told me I didn't need to keep visiting her as she was being bottle fed. I wanted to try breast feeding and eventually someone gave me a breast pump. 2 days later they said I was ready to go home, I refused, there was no way I was going home without my daughter. After 6 days She was well enough to leave the special care unit and a day later we were allowed to go home. My milk never came through properly and I struggled. I was away from all my family and friends, my ex husband went back to work and i felt so isolated and lonely. I spent all day and a lot of the night telling myself I should feel happy. Every time she cried I felt like I was doing something wrong, I felt like the worst mum in the world. Eventually I was diagnosed with post-natal depression and put on some medication when my daughter was 6 months old. 

One month later I found out I was pregnant again, and I was petrified, I had been traumatised from giving birth the first time and I didn't know how I would be able to do it again. I had to stop taking my medication, my beautiful daughter never slept for more than 1/2 an hour at a time, she seemed to cry constantly and here I was pregnant again. But as is usual for us mums I painted a smile on and just got on with it.


I will continue this tomorrow as I have another client coming soon.

My ramblings

31st October 2020

My second pregnancy continued and the nearer it got to my due date the more scared I became. The doctor decided to induce me on my due date as my blood pressure was pretty high. I progressed quickly as I refused any pain relief, I refused to lay on the bed unless it was for them to examine me, and my beautiful daughter came quite quickly. She was perfect and I had been blessed with two beautiful daughters. Because of the previous post-natal depression they offer me 


I have had a lot of friends who have had babies in the last 10 months, it's so lovely seeing all the pictures of all these beautiful babies. But I can't help but think about my own experience. I thought I would try and explain to you all why I am so passionate about helping people with mental health issues.

I always wanted my own children, ever since I was a little girl I dreamed of finding my soul mate and having my own children. I got married the first time at 24 and moved away as my ex husband was in the army. After a few years I was lucky to fall pregnant and I couldn't have been more excited.

I had to be induced and without going into detail, after 3 days of labour I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. Within an hour of her being born she was whisked off to the special care baby unit and put into an incubator. She had a collapsed lung and fluid in the other and was struggling to breath. I found myself back on the ward surrounded by other mothers and their new babies. I guess they were afraid to ask me where my baby was, and I spent a lot of time sitting on my own. The nurses told me I didn't need to keep visiting her as she was being bottle fed. I wanted to try breast feeding and eventually someone gave me a breast pump. 2 days later they said I was ready to go home, I refused, there was no way I was going home without my daughter. After 6 days She was well enough to leave the special care unit and a day later we were allowed to go home. My milk never came through properly and I struggled. I was away from all my family and friends, my ex husband went back to work and i felt so isolated and lonely. I spent all day and a lot of the night telling myself I should feel happy. Every time she cried I felt like I was doing something wrong, I felt like the worst mum in the world. Eventually I was diagnosed with post-natal depression and put on some medication when my daughter was 6 months old. 

One month later I found out I was pregnant again, and I was petrified, I had been traumatised from giving birth the first time and I didn't know how I would be able to do it again. I had to stop taking my medication, my beautiful daughter never slept for more than 1/2 an hour at a time, she seemed to cry constantly and here I was pregnant again. But as is usual for us mums I painted a smile on and just got on with it.


I will continue this tomorrow as I have another client coming soon.

My ramblings

31st October 2020

My second pregnancy progress, but the nearer I got to my due date the more afraid I became. They decided to induce me on my due date as my blood pressure was high.  My second daughter came quite quickly, I refused pain relief, and I refused to lay down unless it was for an examination. Suddenly there she was another beautiful baby girl. We went home after a couple of hours. 

I was doing pretty well this time until I received a letter about the removal of 2 wisdom teeth. I had to go into hospital to have two wisdom teeth out and they had also discovered the previous 2 that had been removed still had all the roots left in. To say I was scared was an under statement, my eldest daughter was 20 months old and my youngest was 3 months old, I knew I had to have a general aesthetic and I was convinced that I was going to die. I knew I was going to punished for my previous 2 suicide attempts at 21 and 25. I wrote letters to my daughters so they would always have them when I died. The day of my surgery came and I was out of mind with stress and worry. But I was fine and had the op and got sent home.  But I kept feeling really dizzy, the doctor said I was allergic to the codeine so I stopped taking them. I remember driving with the girls into town one day and I was coming up to a round about and I forgot how to drive, it felt like I couldn't move my foot from the accelerator to the brake, my head was shouting at me, brake you going to crash, obviously my body reacted and I braked. I can remember just thinking I need to get to the shops and get home. When I got home and got the girls home I was violently sick and could not stop shaking. A few days later I had what I now know was my first full blown panic attack. The pain in my head was unbearable, I was screaming so loud my husband phoned for an ambulance. It felt like every nerve in my body was on fire, I felt like I had millions of ants running round inside my body, I just couldn't keep my body still for a second, I was pacing around the room, the paramedics came and I guess they knew there was nothing wrong with me because they treated me like an inconvenience, they showed me no kindness at all. They took me to hospital and left me in the waiting area of the A & E in a wheel chair and just went. My ex husband stayed at home with the girls so I was left sitting there on my own. I can remember just sitting staring at the wall rocking back and forth, I could hear all these voices in my head telling me everyone was staring at me, telling me that the doctor was going to take one look at me and lock me up in a straight jacket. All I kept thinking was if I tell anyone what's going on in my head they will take my girls away from me. There was this little boy who kept staring at me and I knew he could see inside my head, I knew he could see all the evil thoughts in my head. He knew I didn't deserve to have my girls, he knew I was a useless mum and my girls would be better off with a proper mummy. When I look back now I realise how ill I was, but I was so afraid to be honest with anyone. The doctor told me I was suffering from depression and gave me prozac and valium and sent me home and that was the sum total of help that I got.



My ramblings 

1st November 2020

The voices I was hearing and the fact that the whole world seemed as though it was moving 100 times faster than normal, every nerve in my body felt alive, I was so afraid that I would hurt my children, I would stand in front of their wardrobes in the morning and I couldn't even make the decision of what clothes to put on them. It was such an horrific time and looking back I honestly don't know how I survived. I could barely eat, in one week I lost 8 pounds and when I did eat it just came straight through me. I couldn't tell anyone how I was feeling, my biggest fear was ending up in a mental hospital in a straight jacket and I would never be let out. Everything was so hard, I felt weak, I felt like a dreadful mum, I felt like I didn't love my daughters, I felt that I didn't deserve to be loved, I felt like I was being punished. Now when I looked back I know I had a complete breakdown. I was an hours drive from any family or friends, my ex husband went out to work every day and I was left with the dreadful thoughts in my head looking after my two daughters. I had dreadful anxiety 24/7,  I was afraid to go to sleep, I was afraid to be awake. My brain was trying to destroy me. I would go to the shops and I felt like the floor was moving beneath my feet, it felt like things on the shelves were moving, my heart would race, I would shake from head to toe, I thought I was going to pass out. and it was constant. But I carried on doing all the things I had to do, I couldn't give in, I couldn't rest. Everything everyday caused me to be anxious. The depression and anxiety went on like this for over 3 and 1/2 years, I just started to feel slightly better and suddenly I was a single parent, and bang I was back down again.





My ramblings 

3rd November 2020

My ex husband leaving confirmed what I always knew, I wasn't good enough. It was an extremely tough time, I had to get up every day and take my eldest daughter to school, I had to go to work, the world did not stop turning. But I wanted it too, I wanted to retreat inside my head and just sit under the black cloud that seemed to sit above my head. I had no friends in this new town, I thought I was a useless mum anyway so how was I going to cope on my own. All I knew was I had to keep putting one foot in front of the other, I had to keep going for my daughters. Three months into moving in to the house we bought I had to start showing buyers around as selling was the only option, I couldn't afford to pay everything on my own. I was heartbroken, it really did feel hopeless. I was living I was just going through the motions. I cried myself to sleep every night, I ate my weight in sugar all I wanted to do was to find a way to dull the pain. My daughters would be collected by their dad for the weekend and I felt lost and empty. I wanted to punish him by stopping him seeing the children, but I knew it was not the right thing to do. I didn't want our children to be victims of our break up. I vowed to never say a bad word about their dad to them. I hated seeing parents using their children as weapons to hurt each other. They deserved to have a loving relationship with both parents. I was lucky that as parents we decided to try and work together and not play each other off against the other. We wanted to make things as easy as possible for our children.


The voices I was hearing and the fact that the whole world seemed as though it was moving 100 times faster than normal, every nerve in my body felt alive, I was so afraid that I would hurt my children, I would stand in front of their wardrobes in the morning and I couldn't even make the decision of what clothes to put on them. It was such an horrific time and looking back I honestly don't know how I survived. I could barely eat, in one week I lost 8 pounds and when I did eat it just came straight through me. I couldn't tell anyone how I was feeling, my biggest fear was ending up in a mental hospital in a straight jacket and I would never be let out. Everything was so hard, I felt weak, I felt like a dreadful mum, I felt like I didn't love my daughters, I felt that I didn't deserve to be loved, I felt like I was being punished. Now when I looked back I know I had a complete breakdown. I was an hours drive from any family or friends, my ex husband went out to work every day and I was left with the dreadful thoughts in my head looking after my two daughters. I had dreadful anxiety 24/7,  I was afraid to go to sleep, I was afraid to be awake. My brain was trying to destroy me. I would go to the shops and I felt like the floor was moving beneath my feet, it felt like things on the shelves were moving, my heart would race, I would shake from head to toe, I thought I was going to pass out. and it was constant. But I carried on doing all the things I had to do, I couldn't give in, I couldn't rest. Everything everyday caused me to be anxious. The depression and anxiety went on like this for over 3 and 1/2 years, I just started to feel slightly better and suddenly I was a single parent, and bang I was back down again.





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